I used to deliver a weekly paper in the neighborhood. At one house lived a very, very old dog. It was a large dog with grey hair and the way he walked you could tell every step caused pain. His legs would shake and every step was very deliberate. Despite the obvious pain, this dog was quick (relatively speaking) to come to anyone who would venture near to get just a pat on the head. I saw toddlers groping and climbing on this dog, causing obvious pain to him. He would stand there with the young child climbing and pulling on this ears and tail. Still, the desire for affection and attention completely overrode the pain.

That is a picture of me when I was about 11 or 12. I had no affection or attention at home. At summer camp the camp store worker recognized the symptoms, obviously well experienced in this. He taught me to run the cash register and paid attention to me. I felt the emotional pain of his molestation, but it was totally overridden by the intense desire for affection and affirmation. I was still drawn to him and very disappointed when he missed a “date” we had at the rifle range during down time. The relief of the pain of my loneliness overrode the pain of his abuse.

Many a child (even many an adult) puts up with sexual abuse (and other physical abuse) because the abuser gives the child (or adult) what he or she intensely desires, craves, but is not receiving elsewhere in a healthy manner. The predator gives with an open hand their time, encouragement, affection (non-sexual), and knowledge to gain an opening, to gain the “right” to take advantage of the child and the child, like that old dog, ignores the pain of the abuse to receive the thing that is missing at home.

A number of years ago the big thing was a deceptive concept called “quality time.” It justified giving 5 minutes of time totally to a child instead of the hours joining them that they really needed. They needed us parents (and grandparents) to invest time when we help them bake cookies and make a mess of the kitchen and take three times the “normal” time to get them done. They need us parents (and grandparents) to have them help rotate tires, fix the stove, clean the bathrooms, cut the grass, plant flowers, et. It is not about cookies, rotating tires, getting the stove fixed, but about spending time with these precious children. It is about letting the child become fully part of our lives. Plan on not getting the job done in record short time, but in record long time as the child asks lots of questions, plays with tools, talks about the kids at school, and generally “gets in the way.” Our children need to become part of our world.

We also need to become part of their world. They need us to attend their ball games, ballet recitals, and school programs (my big regret raising my own children). We need to join them in their pretend tea and big bear hunt (Rover will do nicely). We need to enter their world of make-believe and play. We need to join them at the movies, roller skating, bike riding, camping, etc. They need us to join them in their play.

Remember the movie “Hook?” That was an excellent picture of what many parents are like and what our children desperately need. Captain Hook was able to lure Jack into his life by paying the attention to Jack that Jack was desperate for receiving from his father, Peter. Peter was too busy with buying and selling companies to bother with his son’s important ball game and missed it. “Hook” is a wonderful picture of how many a predator gains the access into a child’s life and earns their “love.” This is why almost half the child victims say they love their abuser and would eagerly lie to protect them!

How important is this to protecting children from abuse? Why is this so effective at securing the cooperation of a child? A child can be given permission and instruction to say “no” to attempted abuse and to run and tell an adult. A child can practice, actually saying “no” and running and telling an adult. A child will not be motivated to say “no” if the abuse also comes attached to time, attention, and proper affection that they desperately desire. A child will not say “no” to abuse when the relief from their emotional and physical vacuum overshadows the pain of the abuse.

Ps 127:3-5
Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.
5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
(from New International Version)

The challenge for us parents and grandparents is to set aside our agendas for the day and put our children first, to accept them as a blessing from God. We need to occasionally put aside the dishes in favor of becoming a slide. We need to occasionally put aside the oil change for buying some lemonade. We need to set aside some of the extra hours at work to attend the big game or ballet. We need to set aside the room addition for a water fight. We need to enjoy them while they are young. Many of us might be surprise in how much we enjoy the experience of building a giant tower out of Legos! Who knows, we might even give our imaginations enough exercise to solve that problem at work!

Hello from the Minister of Self-Defense!

Thanks for checking us out. My wife and I are certified personal safety instructors and fellow survivors. Keep an eye out for our stories and safety tips for you and your family! 

Dedicated to keeping you safe!